America’s National Treasure: Joey Chestnut

Happy belated Fourth of July! I hope all of you spent the weekend drinking as many beers as possible while lighting off fireworks with your bare hands and wearing overalls with a Columbia PFG hat on. Mine went something like that. While I was detoxing yesterday from the America filled weekend, I tuned in to see Americas National Treasure. Joey Chestnut.

Joey Chestnut had the single most American performance on Monday. The man was on one leg and crutches. The only thing stopping Joey from crushing some dogs on the Fourth of July is death. He is inevitable. The first thing I thought of when I saw Joey Chestnut in a walking boot was Ben Roethlisberger. Then I immediately slapped my self in the face. Comparing one of the greatest Americans to ever live to a rapist is punishable by jail time. All I can do now is ask for forgiveness. 

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better. Watch out John Cena, Joey Chestnut is coming for the WWE next. Just an absolute textbook body slam of that nerd. Go straight for the neck and rip to the ground. When will these protesters learn? There are two things in America that are too big to fail. The NFL and Nathans Hot Dog Eating Competition. You either get the rath of Rodger Goodell or Joey Chestnut.

Joey Chestnut is America. The day he hangs it up and retires will be a sad dark day in this country. The Fourth of July is and will always be known as a celebration of freedom and watching Joey Chestnut break his own hot dog eating record. God Bless the U-S of A. 

-Woody

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